“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory that is within us. As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Written by Marianne Williamson
Read by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 Inaugural Speech

*I edited the title because it was too aggressive*

You know today was the first time I felt actual fear from another human being. Fearful for my safety. I don’t fear the dark or dark pathways at night. I don’t fear walking home alone. I can take a lot of verbal abuse and will sooner become frustrated and irritated long before I become upset. For the most part I just don’t care. This is second to the fact that there haven’t been many times in my life where I’ve actually been subjected to the darkest place of anger coming from another person. Maybe I’ve been lucky.

But today I was actually scared.

It went down like this:

There is an industrial alleyway, if you will, that I take during the first leg of my trip home from work every day. It bypasses much of the traffic on East Hastings as it’s not really a road, but not really an alley either. It’s just the stretch where the delivery trucks would enter the rear of the businesses. Myself and a few other people know of this route so it’s often well travelled.

As I emerge from every block I meet a one-way stop sign that requires me to check for oncoming traffic. I do the same thing every time I head home. Drive. Stop. Go again. On this particular day I approached one of the stop signs and looked left, then right, then left again and proceeded. I don’t need to tell you I’m a good driver. I’m an alert and incredibly perceptive driver. I am an eyes-in-the-back-of-my-head driver so I know… I know that when that old, CR-V came up fast on my left, the driver must have accelerated quickly around the corner. 

I carried on into the next industrial alley.

And so did he…

He was about one foot from my rear bumper, swerving to the left then to the right. He would drive up right onto my bumper, back off, then ride up again; swerving side-to-side. At this point I didn’t know if I should call 9-1-1. I was watching him in my rearview mirror. He swerved quickly to the left and drove up along side me. He must have been within inches from my side mirror on his right and the same on his left where a brick wall ran. He did it anyway. He didn’t seem to care if he scraped my car or the wall. I slowed down and he passed me, quickly jerking his car in front of mine and slamming on his brakes. I did the same to avoid hitting him and my purse went lunging forward. 

I saw his reverse lights flicker as he put his car in park and his driver’s side door opened then was slammed shut. He marched over to my car and screamed the following expletives that floored and petrified me. And, believe me when I say it takes a lot:

“You f!cking cow c^nt, are you f!cking crazy? What the f!ck is wrong with you, c^nt? Eh? Do you realise I nearly tee-boned you back there? You crazy c^nt, you crazy bitch cow driver.”

To which I responded, while trying to swallow my rapidly beating heart back down into my chest:

“Don’t you think what you did back there was a little more crazy?”

He screamed again:

“You’re the crazy driver bitch, you bitch! I obviously can’t talk to you because you’re such a crazy driver bitch.”

I was scared. It wasn’t only how enraged he was it was the evil in his eyes. Let’s just say I had carelessly driven from the stop sign, no one was hurt, he didn’t need to slam on his breaks, mistakes happen. But to follow me down that alleyway and to tailgate me in that way… Terrorizing me like that – that takes a certain level of rage. There I was, completely trapped and the only way I could get out was to reverse. I remember a DHL delivery car with two men inside on my right up ahead a bit watching this all go down. They sat, mouths hanging open, I kept looking over at them… they seemed ready to jump out of their car if needed but never did. He took another step closer to my window and I put my trusty Fo’ in reverse and inched back just enough to be able to quickly maneuver around his vehicle. At that point I didn’t think I had enough clearance but I was so scared I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could even if I lost a mirror in the process. 

The DHL delivery guys came right behind me and the crazy man followed behind them. He turned down one of the side streets and was gone. 

It was at that point that my adrenaline slowed down a bit and I started thinking: What if those delivery guys hadn’t been there? 

I alternated between my own fury and the urge to cry in the aftermath. I let myself feel both. Driving for a bit my eyes started to well and it was hard to see, so I pulled down a side street and sat at the side of the road and sobbed. That situation was something I have never experienced in my life. I wasn’t used to that measure of distress and my body had literally been in a state of panic. 

I began to think how fucking dare he? How dare that man follow me into an alley. We’re all equal in this world but damn him I’m a woman. Damn him for instilling such a fear in me like that. What a coward.

I don’t fucking care how mad you are… it is not your right to subject me to that kind of fear.

Stand by.

Steady As We Go has begun. I know some have been checking it every once and a while. It contains subject matter now. FYI.

… how overwhelming life seems to get, you are so much more resilient than you think you are.

Believe me, I see it all around me. You are a survivor. You don’t see it. But I do. These struggles, the ones that make you not want to get up in the morning, they build your resiliency. It’ll become strong to the point where you stand back and marvel at how far you’ve come. As far as when your struggle looks like a speck of dust dancing in a moon beam. It’ll be that small.

But it doesn’t mean that for that moment the heaviness of the world won’t feel like a vortex of lost hopes and when confidence, trust, and certainty will be only words caught in a dictionary out of reach.

I’m saying it’s okay to cry. It’s okay … to cry. It’s okay to admit you’re scared. It’s okay to admit you’re tired. It’s okay to be defeated. It’s okay to fail. But, you’re okay. You’re going to be okay. Strength means knowing when you’re too weak. Strength needs moments of rest because even strength loses its tenacity when it’s stretched too far. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to hate things. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to walk away. It’s okay … to cry.

Life was never meant to be easy; try as you may to make it so. Struggle manifests itself in many forms, accept it and greet it at your front door. Do you have faith that even if you fail, that you’ll always find a way to glue the splintered crutch holding you up? Because you will, because you have to, there is no other way to stay up when your strength starts to fracture. I have faith in you.

You can face the world with your eyes closed or your eyes open. Only one of these gives you the opportunity to see a rainbow glowing against a tumultuous sky.

So, trust me. You’re going to be okay. You’re a survivor.

From blogging. Just for a bit though. I’m in a weird place in my life right now. It’s exciting, frustrating, angering, exasperating, but full of anticipation, and big dreams for some really good things just at the tips of my fingertips. They’re so close… I just need to really concentrate on them, then I think I’ll be set.

Back soon.

In the meantime, I would like to provide you with some Otis. He is just so fantastic and wonderful.

… from blogging for two to three more days.

I will return shortly, more inspiring than ever.

Here’s a funny photo in the meantime that I found on Google. Yeouch.

LL-IW I
LL-IW II
LL-IW III

I’ve been noticing a little more activity on my blog over the last month or so and I really, really want to know who you are, what your story is, how you got here, and anything relevant or irrelevant – including the present weather conditions outside your window. Chances are though, the things that you find irrelevant about yourself are things that I will think are fantastic. It’s just how I roll.

There is a comment box below. You can “Signed, Anonymous” anything you want. Or, maybe even sign it with a celebrity from the 80s. Like, Molly Ringwald or Anthony Michael Hall, for example. Foreign languages are acceptable as well as long as they appear in the list at Babelfish so I can decipher them for swear words, random gift offers, time shares, sexual innuendos, predictions for the future, and/or proposals.

LL-IW I
LL-IW II

It’s embarrassing moments time. Keep it to the most extreme, humbling, and mortifying. The ‘crawl into a hole and die’ kind.

Me:

I was 13, and 13 means puberty time. My Dad was taking us on a trip to a water park. I brought my friend Jenni with me and we had gone shopping the day before for new bathingsuits. Mine was of the new zip-up trend. Remember? The two-tone, with the zipper that ran up the middle from the belly button.
- For the life of me I cannot find a photo online it was THAT trendy -
Anyway, we hit the hardest water slides first. I felt so spiffy in my new bathingsuit and was really enjoying the day … Until, late in the afternoon I looked down and the entire zipper was right down to my bellybutton. To make matters worse one side had flapped over exposing my … pubescence! I was so mortified and embarrassed at the thought of just how long I had been walking around like that and how many slides I had gone down in this manner. Thankfully, no strangers talked to me that day.

Edit: I found a photo. Keeping in mind I looked NOTHING like this at 13. Actually, I look nothing like this now.

Welcome to the 2nd edition of LL-IW. First edition can be found here.

Purpose:
Consider this an exercise in nauseation.

The assignment:
Place your top ten in the comment box below – the more nauseating the better, pls. Let – It – Out.

Andrea’s list of 10 nauseating things for May 14, 2008:

1. Do not put custard or meringue anywhere near me
2. Cool Ranch breath
3. Twisted socks
4. Paris Hilton
5. Big Turk
6. Dry, cracked heels – double heave if they’re in Crocks.
7. Ego-maniacs
8. One wet hair (long)
9. Fingernails scratching denim
10. Dog farts