It’s Sunday and I just finished eating this steak-like dinner. It refer to it as steak-like because its original composition was a juicy, t-bone cut, however, after forgetting about it in the oven it came out like something closer to what a Birkenstock marinated in Lea & Perrins would taste like – Chewy but flavourful. Plus, it’s red meat and a good lady needs red meat at certain times.

This day has gone by quite lackadaisically. Had brunch at T.Mo’s place this mornternoon (thank-you T.Mo) and was sprightly with her on the backyard trampoline while we talked about various meandering thoughts out loud.

When finished, I head home with big plans for nothing to do in my head. It was the most fantastic thing. First thing I did upon arrival was sit in the middle of my sofa, feet on coffee table and just stare at my black television. I sat there for a while waiting to see if perhaps an idea would come to mind. Which it didn’t – not at that time. So I made my way into my bedroom; a place where I catch my deepest breaths. It’s quite a charming place. I stripped down and lay down; my sheets had this kind of cool, creamy feeling that put me to sleep almost instantly. An afternoon nap had commenced on account of not having anything to do.

I awoke at precisely 4:20 and didn’t get high, but I did lay still for a while. I could hear Marshall & Otis stirring outside the door and someone outside was ringing clothes in from a squeaky line. I began to visualize my living room for some reason and eventually narrowed it down to an image of my dining-room table (which in actual fact is a computer table, that I use for neither dining, nor computing) and my collection of unfinished canvas ideas. One in particular came to light as clear as if I were right in front of my easel and it looked complete. I took this to mean I needed to paint this afternoon and wandered into my living room to do just that.

As a tangential side-note – I find a lot of my impediments to completing these paintings stem from a dislike of the actual set-up, then tear-down of my art space. I would love to be good and focused enough to complete a painting in say, four sessions; but it’s never the way with me. I have a HUGE fear of screwing up that I think I’ve actually convinced myself that if I stop the painting the moment I fall in love with it then I leave no opportunity to bungle it up. I leave it where I love it and omit the chance of hating it. Then, this business of complaining about the set-up and tear-down is really just complementary to the hardship I cause myself by fearing artistic failure. It’s so funny that I do this because I don’t fixate on such things in any other aspect of my life. I very much just do.

People see my paintings and say, “Forget about failing, just finish them.” My reply is usually non-verbal and I just stare at whichever one we’re discussing until the silence explains everything and we move on to something else. The truth is just that… I really don’t know how to answer why.

Today I began painting books into a bookshelf. I cleared my head and just painted them. I let go of the pressure of perfection I put on myself and just painted. I’m going to take a photo and post it now – so I have a bit of accountability to the painting. I appoint my readers to hold me accountable to just finishing this. Okay? We work together.

Before today this painting was sitting this very way, sans books, for approx eight months. Eight months! Today I’ve accomplished nine roughed-in books. Maybe tomorrow I’ll finish the first shelf with rough books. Yes, that’s what I’ll do.

Painting brought me pretty well up to the moment I decided I wanted to eat my steak. Yes, if you do the math it took me about three hours to paint nine books. That’s three books an hour, twenty minutes a book. I suppose that’s okay for me as I only have my own progress to compare to. I may finish the rest of the shelf more efficiently now that I got the pages going the right way. The perspective was really off at first – thankfully oil paints are so forgiving. My steak cooked while I scrubbed my brushes, then I noticed a smell and realised I had been scrubbing for far too long and opened the oven only to be cloaked in over-cooked steak smoke. I nearly sprained a jaw eating much of my dinner but the fatty edging tasted so crispy and delectable. I completed the evening doing 60 sit-ups on my living room floor and here I am about to finish the sentence my post title started with.

… is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.

Think about it.

It’s a lyric from k.d. lang’s version of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah. The original misses out on some brilliance that k.d.’s touched this song with. I’ve posted the link on my Facebook but will share it, with another song right now.

Some triv pour vous: This version is from the 2005 Junos in Winnipeg. This particular performance garnered her a two-minute standing o. As well, Leonard Cohen and his partner Anjani Thomas once heard k.d. sing Hallelujah and collectively decided that Hallelujah could actually be put to rest as it had reached perfection. That’s quite the accolade but she deserves it. I think this song was written for her to sing. Hallelujah | k.d. lang

Secondly, please enjoy Jeff Buckley singing Lover, You Should’ve Come Over. Lovely, beautiful Jeff Buckley – another in the collection of musical souls lost much, much too soon – accidentally drowned one night swimming in Wolf River Harbour while singing the chorus to Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love.

Hear this song and think of a winter night. It has to be a cold, winter night – you’re not in the tropics – you light the fireplace but keep the room dark otherwise then get into the most comfortable position you can think of – it’s probably best if there is another body beside you – then close your eyes and be silent for a while.

I think about my blog sometimes and my thoughts are usually something like: I wish I could think of something to write in my blog.

This weekend has already come and gone. It’s already 10:18 PM on Sunday night and I look back and feel like only an hour ago I was leaving work on Friday.

We did have a beautiful day on Saturday though, that day felt like it was around for 24 hours. Every other day though was pretty well blurry.

I brought Marscapone home Thursday right after work after his 48 hour stay at the clinic. I had visited with him Wednesday night where he basically held me tight for 45 minutes straight while he fell asleep on my shoulder.

The vet techs told me Marshall was such a nice boy. They taught me how to administer Subcutaneous Fluid Therapy (aka, sub-Q) to Marshall as well. We even did a trial injection. This is something that is going to become a part of our lives until the end.

At the clinic, during our trial injection, it was the three of us. At home, it’s just me. Me and a 1000 mL bag of Lactated Ringer’s Solution, an IV line, and a needle, plus Marshall, of course. Otis doesn’t really care to help but I don’t really blame him.

Our first attempt was in my bed. I figure the more comfortable he is, the better. At the clinic the needle slid right in so in my over confidence I was expecting the same ease. Poor Marshall turned into my feline pin cushion. So much for this comfortable position he was in. I felt like the biggest asshole finally getting my third poke into his scruff properly. He was semi-okay shortly after it was in although clearly not entirely at peace.

The techs had told me to hold the needle in place with my left hand while holding the bag with my right and at the same time squeezing it so the fluid gets into his skin faster vs the drip method like an IV. I remember the very moment Marshall noticed something strange was occurring in the subcutaneous layers of his neck and he jolted upward and attempted to walk away while he was still connected to the IV line. So I’m stretching across my bed trying to prevent him from jumping off thus risking sending the streaming needle in who knows what direction while at the same time trying to keep a steady flow through the bag.

The prescribed amount was 150 mL, I got in about half that before giving up because it just got so clumsy and precarious that if I had continued that process any longer one of us would have ended up tumbling off my bed.

Note to self: Don’t perform sub-Q on bed.

Today was our scheduled 2nd therapy treatment. This time he was passed out against the arm of my sofa. I tested his scruff accessibility in the position he was in and it was decent. So I practiced forming the tent of scruff that the techs had showed me. Marshall started purring – poor thing had no idea what I was about to do to him. This time, the needle went in all the way but he shifted his shoulder and it went on this weird angle and in realising this happened I attempted to squeeze the bag double hard to get as much in as possible before he knew its positioning was weird which then surprised him and up he shot again and froze for about 5 seconds while he tried to make sense of what the hell was going on then proceeded to jump off the sofa. I had to let him go that time.

We took about a 4 hour break when I realised that it was imperative that we make today’s therapy flawless because he only had half of what he was supposed to have two days ago.

Back on the sofa my Marshall was again and this time I decided I was going to do this procedure my own way. I looped the bag around the hook of a hanger and hung the bag from my floor lamp – just like my very own IV stand. Marshall let me massage and knead his scruff again only this time he was doing this kind of corner-of-the-eye staring game with me and began to purr with hesitation. I told him I was sorry and with one swift poke in the needle went. This time I kind of lay lightly on top of him and immediately started scratching his chin and forehead with both my hands while the bag dripped on its own time.

This was a MUCH more relaxing way to administer the sub-Qs for both of us. I don’t care if it took 5 minutes, I was able to get all 150 mL in and Marshall only tried to wriggle away once and I think it’s because his back paw was a little twisted under my weight.

It’s really interesting looking at a cat with sub-Q under its skin. He looked like Quasimodo a bit. He had this huge pouch of fluid sitting above his shoulder blades that felt as soft and squishy as what I imagine a saline breast implant would feel like, only covered with cat fur. Pretty, eh?

Apparently as the cat moves around so will the water under their skin and because gravity pulls things down then I am to expect that at least once the water will travel down his legs and he’ll look like he has elephant legs, only covered with … cat fur.

Cute.

I swear, this cat will survive based on my neuroses alone.

I don’t care though, I’d do anything for my boys.

This has been a difficult journey that began only 6 days ago. Part of me hopes it never ends.

Marshall’s life will be forever changed. Chronic Renal Failure will be terminal. The when is the missing piece now that I’m not going to focus on. Just my Marshy and the pure happiness he brings me.

We’ve got the Queen of Soul here. Aretha Franklin. Now, tell me this song doesn’t send shivers down your spine. That’s Whitney’s ma in the background, too. Ain’t No Way. I just find her so fantastic.

Some photos for reflection:

Marshall was admitted with his kidneys functioning at 5-7%. They had lost over 90% of their functioning. As a result of this, toxins were building up in his body which resulted in the ulceration of the inside of his poor, kitty mouth.

Looking at these again makes me feel like crying. He was so sick. My heart was in such agony for the first three days, it actually shocked me.

Home again. Phew.

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I spend most of my waking life in constant thought and am most stimulated by those who are the same. I think it’s because in some sense it’s like being telepathic only there’s not necessarily communication in the verbal sense and it’s not el-creepo. It’s more like when you’re around someone similar your psyches do this kind of high five with each other. I know when it happens because I’m attuned to it.

You have to really be there to get it. I get a sense that some of you are going to know what I’m talking about. Still, some of you are going to wish you knew what I was talking about and some of you are reaching for the popcorn right about now to sit back just for the entertainment and stay completely out of it. It’s okay.

If I can try to explain it very simply: Imagine you’re traveling alone in a foreign country where you don’t speak the native language. You can move around and go relatively unnoticed when it comes to sticking to the universal standards of human behaviour (walking on two feet, feeding yourself with your hands, etc.) but at some point you will need to communicate with a local which you are already anticipating to be a challenge.

Your entire exchange will be quite basic and might include carefully flipping through the pages of your translation book as well as the odd, shameless charade in an effort to enhance what you’re trying to say. You would still be interacting, but it won’t be the most relaxed or natural way for either party. Each person is forced to augment the way they would normally communicate. Things might become so misinterpreted that you end up purchasing a live hen when your original request was directions to the latrine. You might try to explain yourself a few more times to no avail; the hen doesn’t fix the fact that you still need a toilet. With the other person’s hands waving in the air they motion you and your new hen away with reckless abandon. Frustrated and misunderstood, you have no choice but to give up and walk away.

Then, by some fortuitous happenstance you spot someone familiar through the wanderers. It’s someone you recognize from home – maybe the teller at your bank… anyone. It doesn’t matter that you’ve never officially met; what matters is you have found instant fellowship; someone who will understand you.

You rush over to the bank teller and bypassing all formal introductions, you both begin to laugh. You don’t need to offer a word of excuse for why you’ve got a dusty, old, clucking hen tucked under your arm because they will already know why.

There are some people who you meet along the way who will get you, even if you arrive at the friendship with a hen tucked under your arm. They won’t ask why because it will make sense because it’s just what you do. Find those people, keep them close, love them with all your heart, and be good to them.

Cluck, cluck.

Wednesday Jam Sesh?

Note: Lyrics.

Incubus | Dig

We all have someone that digs at us, at least we dig each other.

[ Andrea's MUST list now includes ... Paolo Nutini | Last Request ]

…stay on the phone with me, I’ll wait until you fall asleep.
But how will you know when I’m asleep? What if I’m faking?
When you start to breathe heavy, I know you’re sleeping.
What if I fake breathing heavy?
Just stop talking.
Okay.
Good night, he said.
Good night, she said.

…

…

…

Are you still awake? He said.
Yes.
I like you.
Me too.
I can tell you were smiling when you said that.
Maybe.
Good night, he said.
Good night, she said.

…

…

…

Are you still awake? She said.
Yes.
Hey.
Hi.
Okay good night, she said.
Good night, he said.

…

…

…

Are you still awake? He said.
A little bit.
Okay, what position are you in?
I’m curled up into a ball.
Are you facing the right, or the left?
Right.
Perfect.

…

…

…

Are you still awake? She said.
I might be.
I do like you too.
Me too.
That doesn’t make any sense.
It doesn’t need to.
Okay, good night, she said.
Good night, he said.

Ooh, oopsie. My blog has taken a backseat to my living, breathing life. Actually it could have even been straggling behind my living, breathing life for a backseat would mean it’s still relatively close in thought but it really wasn’t.

At any rate, I’ve had a busy month or so and it’s funny because if I look back at one of my more recent posts, where I started doing that puzzle like a grandma, things were just plodding along then. Although I can tell you the exact moment life livened because it was when I finally finished that puzzle and realised I only had 499 of the 500 pieces. 99.8% of that damn puzzle was complete. It was such a crushing disappointment. I had been committing my evenings and early Saturday mornings to such a relaxing past time only to have it conclude on such a farcical and ass-chapping note. I swear I immediately got down on my stomach and slithered around every nook and cranny of my living room floor. It’s a good thing I live alone sometimes.

You’re probably picturing this harried, possessed, maniac writhing all over like a rabid ferret …

As a side note, don’t ever do this to your ferret. It’s weird.

But, let me explain… in many ways this would be considered maniacal behaviour. However, my mood never escalates to the point of complementing what my body is physically doing. So although it may look strange to the average person, I am actually very calm and purposeful in my mind. I probably get it from my mother. She once came home from a date to her water and smoke damaged home and her front tree smoking and crackling. She drove up and said, “Well I’m really happy now that I had such a nice date.”

I did go as far as cutting open my vacuum cleaner bag. There was enough cat hair in there to create a third and fourth cat and enough dust to create a bunny for them to play with. I found my favourite pen, some bobby pins, but no blasted puzzle piece.

I left that 99.8% complete puzzle sitting on my coffee table two weeks after that because I couldn’t bring myself to break it up and put it back in the box just in case by some miracle it turned up.

Kenny arrived at the end of the second week on Sunday. I still attended to my scheduled domestic responsibilities but this time had a helper. “Good. Reminds me of when we lived together; I’m glad I came.” He said in a not very nostalgic tone.

Kenny helped by using his big muscles to lift up my furniture while keeping his eye on Britain’s Peep Show he was streaming from the Internet. Lo and behold there was that cursed puzzle piece wedged under the far leg of my sofa! Only Kenny knows me well enough to accept that those tears in my eyes were confirmation of the level of absurdity I am capable of reaching and luckily he’s okay with that. I completed the puzzle and we tore it down about 5 minutes later.

So Kenny stayed for a week and we adventured around and lounged around. It was nice having him around. He left on a Friday and I flew home to Ottawa that Wednesday for a little four day jaunt. I just got back this past Monday night and I’m adjusting to simplicity, serenity, and autonomy again. I didn’t go through my usual withdrawals and feelings of vacancy that I get when I normally return from home. I think the reason I can feel that way is because of how surrounded I am with family and friends every single day that when I return to my apartment-for-one, on the other end of the country, life can all of the sudden seem overly still and eerily quiet. This time it didn’t feel like that which was fantastic. It might have helped that Vancouver’s weather has been so beautiful to welcome me. There is always something so redeeming about sunshine and a skyline that’s embossed with a luscious mountain range.

This trip home was nice because I caught up with two friends I haven’t seen in at least 7 years. One was actually a bouncer I met when I was an over-zealous teenager abusing my body by going out three nights a week and staying out until five o’clock in the morning. I was 18, underage, he was a bouncer. Sounds like a country song. So after we became grown ups there was no reason to see each other three times a week anymore. He went on to become a cop, I went on to … find myself, and here we are, still in touch after 15 years.

The other was a girl friend from 1st year college in the Advertising program. Neither of us were ready at the time to handle such an intense and immense workload let alone know if this was really what we wanted out of our lives so we didn’t return to second year. We remained friends but eventually relationships get in the way of frequency. She went on to get married and have babies, I … got disengaged and moved across the country that same year. I’ve watched her daughters grow on Facebook so it was wonderful to see her family in person.

I spent a lot of my time at home feeling guilty for having to tell people I couldn’t connect. I tried so hard but the days were just so short. On mother’s day I left so early in the morning to say bye to Chelsy and her family, then Shannon and her family, then lunch with my dad, then to reunite with my old classmate, that I didn’t even see my own mother until 6:30 that evening. Oi.

I suppose I’ll end this now. I’ve been typing it over this last day or so I don’t even know how fragmented it’s going to seem when I actually publish it. Perhaps I will distract and overwhelm you with some photos over the last couple of weeks now.

Oh and Frigs! worth mentioning:

Frigging Home Depot!
Frigging Vancouver Canucks!
Frigging Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill!
Frigging Landslide in Quebec!
Frigging Graham James!

Here’s your Sunday Jammin’ Song on a Thursday.

A young woman who died much too soon. I would have given anything to be around when she was.  Janis Joplin | To Love Somebody. If you’re going to click the link it’s worth reading the two highest-rated comments as well. Nailed.

My birsday dinner with  Keira and T-Mo.

Kenny and I discover Lynn Canyon.

A very long Seawall stroll.

Only at English Bay have I ever seen sunsets like this…

Home now. Family first.

My poor dad.. taken about fifteen minutes after he walked into his kitchen only to find me sitting at the table when I should have been in Vancouver. I’m such a trickster. His brows are still furled.

And then there was one. This was so much more majestic when my mom had four of these.

Aves had no idea I’d be there to greet her after school.

Cute.

My same-sex soul mate.

Time to play with their Auntie Andrea

Good-bye tea

Shaun wears his new, spiffy hat he bought at tarts n’ crafts.

F-ing disgusting

Have you ever considered upgrading yours?

This button is to give your shoes some sun

Oscar – my dad’s.

…especially when Katie’s back in Vancouver! Oh how I miss my Katie B. She’s only a province away but she used to be only ten minutes away. She’s from home and home out here feels good. Comfortable.

Man this weekend was busy for this hermit. I moved TMo with Keira, got my atrocious split ends dealt with and my hair enriched thanks to Marlee, a birthday party that ended at 2:30 in the morning, coffee early this morning, and Katie’s baby shower Vancouver-styles.

And the weather was beautiful.

Oh wait, well… SaturDAY was not beautiful. It was rainy. But, Saturday evening was balmy because the finished rain made it so. The city smelled pretty. Clean almost. Moist too. Good for my soul.

So I spent the weekend with my circles of dear friends experiencing a sense of renewal. New apartment, new year ahead, new life on the way. And, I just kind of cycled through it all floating around and watching everyone experience their moments of magic.

Tomorrow’s back to work, back to the people who need me and back to the business life of Andrea.

I’ve got a week’s vacation coming up next Sunday. Oh my it’s my birthday too. I will feel this newness but at the same time I reflect and wonder how the hell it got here this quickly. How is it that I’m going to be thirty-three years old already? I test myself at times and my memory still goes vividly back to three years old. Okay good; I hope that never changes.

I wish I could present more photos, but I only brought my camera along for Katie’s shower. So here they are…

But first here’s your Sunday Jammin’ Music song actually on a Sunday for the first time in a long time!

Click it for the beautiful song, the lyrics, and the beautiful video.

The Warped 45s – Radio Sky

Tried to get us with the tummy.

I thought this was a lovely and intricate tree.

This is Smokey, I found him to be very handsome.

I first heard and saw Chris Botti in Mike G’s living room on his 42″ HD. The room was dark and the music started. I remember physically feeling it. I remember needing to take a deep breath. I remember the goosebumps on my forearms and shivers up my spine. That was probably a year ago now.

This past fall I learned that he was coming to Vancouver to play at the Orpheum with the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra and immediately put two tickets on my credit card without even knowing who the hell I was going to go with. 

As the months, then days neared I was still dateless in Vancouver. Mike G suggested I put an ad up on Craigslist looking for someone to go with. I had success with a similar type of venture Christmas 2007 – my first Christmas in Vancouver. I knew no one so I posted an ad looking for a date for my work’s Christmas party and found a very nice man to accompany me. So I figured perhaps I could actually have the same type of success this time around and posted an ad this past Friday after work for Monday’s concert.

It’s what I call cutting it close; really only giving me the weekend to find a suitor for the evening, and interviews were to commence immediately. Mike’s guess was that I’d have at least 80 replies. To my astonishment I received a total of frigging 193! In one weekend I read 193 emails from men who wanted to go with little old me to see Chris Botti. Actually wait I can’t say all 193 wanted to be my date because many actually couldn’t for various reasons but wanted to say hi. Some thanked me for actually introducing them to Chris Botti for the first time, some wished me luck, some loved the idea and just wanted to tell me. Some emails were short… you know of the “pick me!” variety, some emails were long and autobiographical, some were like cover letters. It was amazing. 

I had narrowed my applicants down to four and penciled them in. Come the 2nd interview I knew I found the person I was going to take with me. He’s worth mentioning because I’m fairly certain this night was also something quite fantastic and memorable for him as well.

Um, be quiet you at the back.

You can find him here: http://www.myspace.com/moraleslamas

Here we’ve got a Cuban musician who uses words like  Avant Garde, Latin, and Fusion Jazz to describe his style of music. His biography’s on his MySpace along with some of his compositions and are worth checking out. He’s a very humble guy, who does all of his mixing in his bedroom on outdated PC software. But, the passion’s there. You know?

So, I introduced a musician to Chris Botti. Gosh I’m so proud. 

He loved special guest, Lisa Fischer‘s appearances as well and in the corner of my eye I could see him all bopping and tapping and just clapping extra hard. She has such an incredible voice, by the way. He was so impressed by Chris’s jazz pianist, Billy Childs, that he wanted a photo and autograph with him after the show. Pianists appreciate pianists.

Are you saying that properly?

And of course drummer Billy Kilson. At first I must admit I was distracted by him because he’s quite intense and animated and extremely powerful so in the begining I couldn’t  take my eyes off him and had to keep bringing them back to Chris. He worked though because the band is cohesive and by the second song I couldn’t really imagine him not being there.

Onto the show…

As of tonight there are only three performances I’ve seen live that have actually made me cry. The first being for my first love, Corey Hart, in 1986 at the Montreal Forum. I was 10, okay? The second time was during the Un bel di vedremo aria of Madame Butterfly at the Opéra de Montréal, June 2008 and finally, tonight. Four times I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

My poor date, this being only the second time he’s met me, must have been wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I reassured myself by saying “He’s a musician, he’ll understand” over and over in my head. I told him that I couldn’t help it. He said in a nice, thick, barely understandable Spanish accent: It’s okay. Oh. I know. It’s okay.  

It was Emmanuel that really started the whole thing which was his duet with violinist Caroline Campbell. Luckily, it came right before intermission so I was able to compose myself. Not for long though, at least not until Hallelujah was played. I mean, I love Leonard. That master, or that genius of words. The lyrical poet. So then to hear Hallelujah come out of a trumpet in the stillness of the Orpheum. Even the woman who attended the concert alone sitting beside me was wiping her tears. So her tears made my tears come faster, then someone in front of me wiped their cheeks and then I didn’t feel alone in how everything was affecting me.

He actually played Flamenco Sketches by Miles Davis. (bawl)

Then Cinema Paradiso by Ennio Morricone. (maj. bawl)

You’re all… Man, thank God I wasn’t her date; she cried the whole time.

Okay, I wasn’t really bawling in terms of definition.

Truth be told though, there were moments when my surroundings just kind of faded away, you know? I didn’t really even care where I was. Who I was. Nothing really mattered except what was going on in front of me, seven rows ahead. 

After the show was an autograph signing and photo taking. Autographs first, check. Photos after autographs. Um obviously. I talked to Chris for a bit but I wish I had more time to just … say thank you until it started to feel like I expressed it the way I felt it.

I will conclude this with Emmanuel only this duet is from the PBS special with Lucia Micarelli on the violin. I can’t find a good quality one online with Caroline Campbell. This version is clearly just as powerful and there’s one thing I just want to point out: Watch Lucia’s facial expressions. I mean, that’s what feeling music looks like. It’s something quite special to behold a musician in such a pure state.

Emmanuel – Chris Botti with violinist Lucia Micarelli

My date/new friend:

The pianist with the pianist:

The hot mess with the artist:

It was actually yesterday, but that’s besides the point.

You know when you go through phases of such severe frustration toward everything around you except for animals?

Don’t you?

Oh.

Okay anyway, that was me for a while. When I enter a state like that, the catalyst is usually associated with someone’s emotional turbulence of sorts and I can’t handle it when it catches me completely off guard. Especially when I’ve been carrying on like everything’s hunky dory. La la la.

I like to pretend that I live my life in a state of ignorance and/or bliss. It has to be pretend because the reality is so much the opposite. This method of denial has its advantages, however, a potential disadvantage is that it’s still denial. And, a life spent in denial is a life spent.

You can quote me on that, even if it doesn’t really make sense.

I got to the point where I actually wondered if there was some recent change in the earth’s surface magnetism. It was really the only way I could try to make sense of why many people around me were crumbling in their own kind of way and somehow it was coming down on me hard. It was really weird I must admit. I felt like I was in Michael Jackson’s Leave Me Alone video.

So then, I took a look at myself, and wondered if perhaps I had changed. Being the self-deprecating, over-analyzer that I am, I did in fact contemplate if perhaps it was me. Maybe I was giving off some kind of energy that was opposing. But then, one of these breakdowns was via instant messaging with someone I haven’t chatted with since December who is a distant acquaintance. At least I thought that was our understanding? Oh maybe the feeling wasn’t mutual. Damn these work dynamics.

Things should be ironed out by now and the reason I’m able to kind of carry on past this is by practicing another one of my deflective methods of coping and that’s pretending it didn’t happen. I have a tendency to sometimes be weighed down by all the complexities of humankind and just how heavy we can be. But, if I were to fixate on all the ways in which I am left stunned on a daily basis I’d probably sell everything I had to go live on an island in the Archipiélago and exist among turtles, albatrosses, sea lions, and iguanas. So? Pretend. La la la.

Lessons learned lately:

- Kenny’s always going to take my phone calls in the middle of the night
- It’s not nice to call Kenny in the middle of the night
- No matter what you do, you’re going to disappoint someone in some way or another
- A good, kind heart should make up for all the things that piss other people off about you
- Marshall likes tomato sauce
- It’s been way too long since I hit the road
- I am satisfying in a deeply unsatisfying way (figure that one out!)
- There really is nothing like Steely Dan’s Aja album on vinyl specifically. Fireplace = On. Lights = Off.
- Breathe.

Now you’re all…

Okay my darlings, it’s a little bit past ten o’clock and usually if I’m still typing in this state of exhaustion I am bound to tangentalize and read it again in the morning with regret wondering what kind of lousy drug I could say I was on to explain myself. Then again, I would never take drugs of the lousy kind.

See there I go. I’ll regret that.

Steely Dan – Aja - This album and I are the same age.

Some clever Steely Dan trivia pour vous:

It’s actually a fictional Japanese dildo that finds itself in William Burroughs’s Naked Lunch. An excerpt:

Mary is strapping on a rubber penis: “Steely Dan III from Yokohama,” she says, caressing the shaft. Milk spurts across the room.

“Be sure that milk is pasteurized. Don’t go giving me some kind of awful cow disease like anthrax or glanders or aftosa…”

“When I was a transvestite, Liz in Chi used to work as an ex-terminator. Make advances to pretty boys for the thrill of being beaten as a man. Later I catch this one kid, overpower him with supersonic judo I learned from an old Lesbian Zen monk. I tie him up, strip off his clothes with a razor and fuck him with Steely Dan I. He is so relieved I don’t castrate him literaly he come all over my bedbug spray.”

“What happen to Steely Dan I?”

“He was torn in two by a bull dyke. Most terrific vaginal grip I ever experienced. She could cave in a lead pipe. It was one of her parlour tricks.”

“And Steely Day II?”

“Chewed to bits by a famished candiru in the Upper Baboons-asshole. And don’t say ‘Wheeeeeee!’ this time.”

“Why not? It’s real boyish.”

Needless to say Burroughs wrote this while he was under the influence of something he liked to call “the sickness,” AKA drug addiction, where Naked Lunch “… means exactly what the words say: naked lunch, a frozen moment when everyone sees what is on the end of every fork.”

I mean, obviously.
Fantastic. I love authors when they’re high.

Burroughs and my buddy Kerouac were buds too. In fact, Burroughs credited Kerouac with suggesting the title “Naked Lunch” to him.

Mmmmmmm.

Hmmmmmm.

Lovage | Strangers on a Train

You’re in a dusty coffee shop that you just walked into for the first time. It’s late at night and you came in from the rain. No one inside makes any sense. It smells like day-old banana bread and you don’t care. It’s a coffee you have. Black. And that day-old banana bread, you’ll take that too, might as well, ‘Thanks‘. A table in the corner is where you sit. The flickering candle is taking its last breaths from the film of melted wax on the inside of the holder. The wax stinks and you slide it over to the side but don’t blow it out because it makes you feel warm and it casts curious shadows on the table etched with initials. Thunder rolls and a lone woman laughs before sipping from a steaming mug. You watch her mumble and wonder what. What is she saying? 

Someone pushes the door open and comes in shuddering. His hood is on and you never see his face. The barista snaps her bubble gum and says two dollars. He leaves.

This song plays and the coffee shop swells and your toe taps. The man to your left turns the magazine page and smoothes the seam every time then takes a sip of his coffee. Turns the page, smoothes the seam, sips the coffee. Turns the page. Smoothes the seam. Sips the coffee.

A young woman sits four tables ahead. She’s staring out the window and clutching with two hands a mug she hasn’t taken a sip from…yet. Wait. She lifts it up. And puts it back down. The timing isn’t right. 

The song ends and the last bite of banana bread goes down. The candle burns out. The lonely woman has closed her eyes. The barista is sitting on the countertop swinging her legs. The woman by the window has moved the cup to her lips now but sits frozen and still hasn’t taken a sip.

It’s time to go.

Home, you guess.

Lyrics.

Melody.

Rhythm.

Perfect for a jam session.

This one’s dedicated to the one person who knows it’s going to be dedicated to them. I’d never heard this song until about two hours ago. Shocking, I know.

I think it’s frigging awesome, it’s on repeat.

This is Gerry Rafferty - Right Down The Line