(I started this Sunday)
my oatmeal is bubbling over the pot and saturating the burner. It stinks in my apartment. Otis is making a hiding place inside a Caper’s paper bag. Marshall is passed out in the cat basket under the window with his legs dangling over the edge. I’ve been cycling through the Weather Network for about an hour now and can tell you exactly what the weather across Canada is going to be like for the next 7 days. I’m still in my “morning clothes.” That is, I made it out of my pajamas, but transitioned into fleece pants, a t-shirt and a hoodie. My hair is in this very peculiar ponytail that I created earlier because I was going to do a mask but have since become so completely sidetracked that it just took me a minute to remember why it’s sitting on the top of my head like this in the first place.
I’ve been feeling completely estranged from the world over the past week or so, or maybe “removed” is a better word. There has been a lot going on in my life since Christmas and this explains the infrequency of my posts. I find when something else takes up about 75% of my attention then the other 25% is reserved solely for day to day functioning (5% for getting up, 5% for work, 5% for coming home, 5% for sleep, and the last 5% for human interaction) and anything else I require after that feels like having to borrow energy for the coming week. It’s hard to explain, really. Basically, what you’ve read up until this point has taken me two days to write. I find myself sitting here with my fingertips on the keyboard and I could probably open up a floodgate of thoughts but right now I don’t know where the key is. It’s lost in the 75% of emotion overload.
I know what’s caused all this, so at least I have a good grip on that. It’s not like it just washed over me and I’m completely clueless as to where it came from. I have no doubt that in a couple of weeks my shit will be back together, but in the meantime it’s pretty consuming.
On the wall straight ahead of me is a map of the Western United States, it is what got me to San Francisco this past September. To my right is a Century Atlas enlargement of Italy. I want to run away again for a while. Take a vacation where my mind can be at peace with my surroundings. It comes and goes though, I’m sure everyone has tiny moments of packing it up and hitting the highway. I like unknown destinations – running to stand still. I like not knowing sometimes. Sometimes when you stop to know, life lands heavy.
(It’s now Monday night)
I did a very big thing for myself last week. I ended two friendships that spanned two decades. I realised there is nothing there anymore. That certain outcomes of certain situations can really show you who cares about you and who is worth caring about. And I figure, if I have to fight for my worth as a friend, then that’s not worth fighting for. A friend shouldn’t have to prove anything, nor should a friend ever feel like they have to prove something. So that felt good. I had a good sleep that night. I shook the sticky cobwebs of shadowed friendships that died months ago from my shoulders and it felt amazing. I am also going to apply the same philosophy to my life now. When there’s nothing there anymore, why hang on? Why do we hang on? And to what? Just to distract ourselves from the inevitable? A disinterest that we never thought we’d feel or doesn’t feel fair to feel? Maybe things will get better, or they’ll just go away? Do I stay in any relationship to keep the other person happy? Or other people happy? Or do I stay in a relationship because I’m happy. It’s always been the latter for me – always. Happiness in any partnership can only exist when both partners are happy. Not one for the other. I’m living for me now as selfish as that sounds, but the way I look at it, if I spent my life solely living for other people I’d have no idea who the hell I was after a while, I would lose myself. I’m going to make decisions that confirm and cultivate my happiness. To me, it’s the most surefire way to have a mutal happiness between any two people. Resentment can be an awful thing. I don’t mean turning into a cranky old bat who expects the world while throwing bread crumbs to the birds, I just mean finding happiness in making other people happy isn’t a guarantee because not everyone will always be happy with you, and if you base life on that, then you’re kind of putting a lot of faith in the hands of someone else.
I went skiing over the last two days. My ass aches and so do my quads but man it’s such a delicious ache. I got that from swooshing in snow. From nailing moguls. It’s like my life right now, another delicious ache.
I saw Slumdog Millionaire tonight too and I still feel overwhelmed. I wish I didn’t have to say I saw it because my interest was piqued after the Golden Globes. I think if I saw a preview, or tuned into the outside world over the last month I would have seen it premiere night, but I didn’t because I was lost for a while. Justified. I will buy the movie, because I found it so wonderful. And it will become a treasure.
Tomorrow is Marshall’s job interview with ‘BC Pets and Friends‘ so he can be a certified therapy pet. Right now he’s passed out, resting his chin on my forearm. It’s funny because his head keeps bobbing as my fingers move across the keyboard but he’s definitely sleeping, at least I’m pretty sure. His purrs are coming more broken now as he falls deeper. I almost wish I could stay here, he just looks so relaxed, and his head is so heavy. I think he’ll be good at this job.
I’m going to close this trail of nothingness off soon so I can crawl into bed with my big, burly cats at my feet, pillows all around me, clean laundry that needs to be folded at the foot of my bed – ya, it’s my room, my disheveled, cozy room. A true reflection of my disheveled mind as of late and there’s really no use fighting it. I just roll with it because it always passes me by before I even notice. I’m going to open up ‘Eat Pray Love’ and get lost in it like I do every night.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson