Archive for June, 2010

i love some things like

Friday, June 25th, 2010

reading Craigslist Missed Connection ads.

yellow tulips.

animals. all of them.

crossword puzzles.

music. loud.

Prussian blue…


© Wikipedia

^ takes my breath away.

a crackling campfire. on a cool night.
and the smell of a hot tent.

still lakes.

ravens and crows.

the sound of crickets.

absolute silence.

hot pavement
seconds after the rain starts.

bob seger on a sunny day.

moments
exactly
like
this.

long drives without
destination.

the way suntan lotion skin smells
while lying on a beach
under a really hot sun.

words.

crooked teeth.

birch trees and oak trees.

planet earth.

piggybacks and arm wrestling.

the idea of Bora Bora.


© Tanehonu

the design of a chain-link fence.

so, I dunno

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

I think about my blog sometimes and my thoughts are usually something like: I wish I could think of something to write in my blog.

This weekend has already come and gone. It’s already 10:18 PM on Sunday night and I look back and feel like only an hour ago I was leaving work on Friday.

We did have a beautiful day on Saturday though, that day felt like it was around for 24 hours. Every other day though was pretty well blurry.

I brought Marscapone home Thursday right after work after his 48 hour stay at the clinic. I had visited with him Wednesday night where he basically held me tight for 45 minutes straight while he fell asleep on my shoulder.

The vet techs told me Marshall was such a nice boy. They taught me how to administer Subcutaneous Fluid Therapy (aka, sub-Q) to Marshall as well. We even did a trial injection. This is something that is going to become a part of our lives until the end.

At the clinic, during our trial injection, it was the three of us. At home, it’s just me. Me and a 1000 mL bag of Lactated Ringer’s Solution, an IV line, and a needle, plus Marshall, of course. Otis doesn’t really care to help but I don’t really blame him.

Our first attempt was in my bed. I figure the more comfortable he is, the better. At the clinic the needle slid right in so in my over confidence I was expecting the same ease. Poor Marshall turned into my feline pin cushion. So much for this comfortable position he was in. I felt like the biggest asshole finally getting my third poke into his scruff properly. He was semi-okay shortly after it was in although clearly not entirely at peace.

The techs had told me to hold the needle in place with my left hand while holding the bag with my right and at the same time squeezing it so the fluid gets into his skin faster vs the drip method like an IV. I remember the very moment Marshall noticed something strange was occurring in the subcutaneous layers of his neck and he jolted upward and attempted to walk away while he was still connected to the IV line. So I’m stretching across my bed trying to prevent him from jumping off thus risking sending the streaming needle in who knows what direction while at the same time trying to keep a steady flow through the bag.

The prescribed amount was 150 mL, I got in about half that before giving up because it just got so clumsy and precarious that if I had continued that process any longer one of us would have ended up tumbling off my bed.

Note to self: Don’t perform sub-Q on bed.

Today was our scheduled 2nd therapy treatment. This time he was passed out against the arm of my sofa. I tested his scruff accessibility in the position he was in and it was decent. So I practiced forming the tent of scruff that the techs had showed me. Marshall started purring – poor thing had no idea what I was about to do to him. This time, the needle went in all the way but he shifted his shoulder and it went on this weird angle and in realising this happened I attempted to squeeze the bag double hard to get as much in as possible before he knew its positioning was weird which then surprised him and up he shot again and froze for about 5 seconds while he tried to make sense of what the hell was going on then proceeded to jump off the sofa. I had to let him go that time.

We took about a 4 hour break when I realised that it was imperative that we make today’s therapy flawless because he only had half of what he was supposed to have two days ago.

Back on the sofa my Marshall was again and this time I decided I was going to do this procedure my own way. I looped the bag around the hook of a hanger and hung the bag from my floor lamp – just like my very own IV stand. Marshall let me massage and knead his scruff again only this time he was doing this kind of corner-of-the-eye staring game with me and began to purr with hesitation. I told him I was sorry and with one swift poke in the needle went. This time I kind of lay lightly on top of him and immediately started scratching his chin and forehead with both my hands while the bag dripped on its own time.

This was a MUCH more relaxing way to administer the sub-Qs for both of us. I don’t care if it took 5 minutes, I was able to get all 150 mL in and Marshall only tried to wriggle away once and I think it’s because his back paw was a little twisted under my weight.

It’s really interesting looking at a cat with sub-Q under its skin. He looked like Quasimodo a bit. He had this huge pouch of fluid sitting above his shoulder blades that felt as soft and squishy as what I imagine a saline breast implant would feel like, only covered with cat fur. Pretty, eh?

Apparently as the cat moves around so will the water under their skin and because gravity pulls things down then I am to expect that at least once the water will travel down his legs and he’ll look like he has elephant legs, only covered with … cat fur.

Cute.

I swear, this cat will survive based on my neuroses alone.

I don’t care though, I’d do anything for my boys.

This has been a difficult journey that began only 6 days ago. Part of me hopes it never ends.

Marshall’s life will be forever changed. Chronic Renal Failure will be terminal. The when is the missing piece now that I’m not going to focus on. Just my Marshy and the pure happiness he brings me.

We’ve got the Queen of Soul here. Aretha Franklin. Now, tell me this song doesn’t send shivers down your spine. That’s Whitney’s ma in the background, too. Ain’t No Way. I just find her so fantastic.

Some photos for reflection:

Marshall was admitted with his kidneys functioning at 5-7%. They had lost over 90% of their functioning. As a result of this, toxins were building up in his body which resulted in the ulceration of the inside of his poor, kitty mouth.

Looking at these again makes me feel like crying. He was so sick. My heart was in such agony for the first three days, it actually shocked me.

Home again. Phew.

dear Universe

Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

You’re testing me again. This time it’s for something I could never have prepared myself for. As you watch over Marshall tonight, alone in a cage at the vet hospital, please keep him safe and sound. Please alleviate any discomfort he may have and please, somehow, let him know that I love him with the very core of my being and cannot wait to see him again.

You see, Universe, I’m not ready for this. I am just not ready to let him go yet. I wanted him to grow into an old man, with old man problems. To meet up with you when his body is just too old to carry on in this life anymore. He’s not supposed to be facing this now, he’s only 11, Universe. Kidney failure? No. It’s just not fair.

You know of the connection we have. That’s what makes him most special. It’s how he stares at me before he falls asleep beside me against my pillow. Remember how he does that? How he doesn’t curl into a cat ball on the mattress beside me… but instead, how he rests his head and shoulders against my pillow, just like me, and watches me in the dark. You know what he’ll often do. He’ll reach out with his paw and touch my face gently, just so I know he’s there. Or, if I’m reading in bed or doing my crossword puzzle how he’ll lie his big body on top of my chest and peek his head under the book if he can’t see my face. How he’ll reach out for my fingers and curl his paw around them to bring my hand to his face because he wants his chin tickled. He loves to hold my hand. Oh how I would give anything to have those moments with him tonight. This isn’t right.

You know how he likes it when I dance with him in the living room. Holding him in my arms. How he wriggles his way into the perfect position that makes him as high as he can go and falls asleep with his head on my shoulder while I move us around the room.

Remember how he talks to me? How he looks me right in the eyes and tries so hard to understand what I’m saying back? How he tilts his head from side to side while I’m talking? How he tries to get it.

He’s my Marshall cat. He’s my fantastic Marshall cat and I’m not ready to let him go. Please, I’m begging you, not yet. Okay? Give me a little bit more time. I need to hold him again. How I ache tonight.

For me, I ask that I get some help to make it through these next 48 crucial hours with clarity so if I have to make the decision I’m fearing right now, I can do it with a clear head and the fear gone.

Please keep him in comfort tonight, put that around his body and take away his confusion. Please, do that for me? Do it for Otis too. Nothing feels right, right now. It’s just us two tonight; Marshall should be here too.

Please.