In which I go on.

And on.

Have you seen The Young Victoria? I saw it last week and fell in love with it. The era and the history of the Royal Monarchy is beautifully depicted but, for me, the love story between Victoria and her prince was equally so. *Deep sigh.*

Okay, I love war epics, I love movies that are so horrifying I think I’m going to throw up, I love foreign films, I love movies that upset me and anger me, I love movies that I can watch once a week for the rest of my life (Dirty Dancing) and be happy, and … I love stories of love. 

I don’t want to give too much away because it’s still in theatres, but, The Young Victoria is a beautiful and touching love story. What’s really nice is if you read about their actual life together, its portrayal is nailed in the film. Apparently Victoria kept a diary through much of her life and her early writings after meeting and spending time with Albert demonstrated a brimming affection for him. For example:

“[Albert] is extremely handsome; his hair is about the same colour as mine; his eyes are large and blue, and he has a beautiful nose and a very sweet mouth with fine teeth; but the charm of his countenance is his expression, which is most delightful.”

It was her maternal uncle, Prince Leopold I of Belgium, who introduced them; and her other maternal uncle, Ernest (also Albert’s father (yes, Albert was Victoria’s first cousin)) who approved the match. 

To her uncle, Prince Leopold, Victoria once wrote in thanks:

“… for the prospect of great happiness you have contributed to give me, in the person of dear Albert … He possesses every quality that could be desired to render me perfectly happy.”

I’m not sure if I’m just screaming lonely, single girl here, which is fine, but this doesn’t have anything to do with loneliness. I will never deny myself the fact that this is what a relationship looks like to me. I don’t know many passionate, soulful women who would think otherwise. Men too for the sake of argument. It has been documented that Victoria and Albert unified for love which was uncommon for royals at that time. Albert had a deep love and respect for his Queen and brought to bear that title in more than just the obvious. He technically was her liege, but her husband as well. 

This is that constitutional desire we all have to be understood, accepted, and respected by the Alberts who come into our lives. I walked out of the theatre looking for Albert but he was nowhere to be found.

Which is okay because I’m not sure I ever will find him.

Also okay.

Therein lies the conundrum for someone like me. I can cry over this movie and wonder if one day I too will have a relationship where I am cherished, devoted to, loved, accepted, stimulated, challenged, protected, etc… find it in a thesaurus. I laugh at myself though when I realise that the reason this is so difficult for me is because I know I can be very perplexing to some men who are used to a certain kind of woman.

A man (we’ll call him Albert) could be staring me right in the face. He could tell me all the wonderful things that brought tears to my eyes in the movie. But, so help me God, I can be such a particular, picky moppet that I just may end up single until I leave this earth. 

Make sense of that? 

I barely can.

See, having an Albert is well and good – but for me to be satiated and contained by this Albert I’d need him to be a challenging, broken, sensitive, kind, distant, open, advisor, learner, loving, comforting, clairvoyant, intellectual, hilarious, video-game loving, bookworm who is patient, smart, soulful, clever, devoted, deep, demanding, spontaneous yet regimented, logical yet illogical… did I mention patient? On top of all this I would require an absurd chemical attraction toward him that offers a fine mix of the following adjectives: cheap, lusty, lascivious, surly, gentle, sweet, considerate, slow and steady. I like to be where I can melt.

On the bright side I am clearly not expecting perfection.

Can you imagine? 

Then there’s the whole other issue of the person I am and if the type of person I’m attracted to can actually tolerate someone like me.

If I were in a relationship with me I would not know what to do with myself sometimes. Although I suppose that’s the way in all relationships. Some just have the potential to go completely sideways in a very dramatic way – it’s just whether or not you can pick the same battles. Like Vicky and Albert did. 

I resign myself to the fact that this is highly unlikely that I find my perfect match and have considered the advice of some people who tell me I need to trim the list a little bit or become either a lesbian or a nun, but I’m a terrible human being when I’m settling for something or someone. Settling is like giving me 50 years without parole. That would bring me to roughly 83 years old and by that time everything on my body will be at least four inches lower than where they started and then what?

Make no mistake, I re-evaluate my options regularly, look at the pros and cons and have come to understand what missing characteristics I can acquiesce to and which ones are compulsory. It’s like that  job interview – there are always requirements, but most of the time a relevant amount of experience is considered an asset but you never want to settle for an employee who’s not the right fit.

It doesn’t sound that awful – just look at the relationship you’re in right now. Are you happy? Can you see yourself gladly purchasing Depends for this person years from now? When life’s up are you going to look back at its entirety and not feel like the biggest mistake you made was to spend a life in a relationship where you were essentially alone anyway? Mistakes should be about things like selling shares at the wrong time, wearing stirrups in the 80s, buying a Geo Metro, or being fired for photocopying your breasts. All recoverable. A lifetime of unhappiness is not and we’re all grown-ups here; we only get a shot at life once. 

Back to Victoria and Albert…

When Albert died of typhoid at the age of 42, Victoria entered a state of withdrawal, then perpetual mourning, and wore black every day for the rest of her life. I don’t find this necessarily healthy and I’ll leave that up to the psychologists but if you look at this from a more bittersweet perspective, that’s love. The pain comes from when the person’s gone and not from the ass when you’re together.

For now, I’ll purchase the movie and treat myself to its charm as I see fit. It’ll sit right between Dirty Dancing and The Notebook on my shelf. 

I will leave you with one of mine and Gee’s favourite moments from the movie as well as the Sunday Jammin’ song on a Wednesday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yW3B-MK19_w

The Shins – New Slang

This type of question usually comes up in an interview and at that time you’re pretty prepared for it. You offer up some sort of ambitious, somewhere over the rainbow, in a perfect world, answer that would essentially guarantee you on a rickety canoe in the middle of Lago de Atitlán in Southern Guatemala, using a wireless connection that you developed to work remotely, and with a 2nd tab open in Firefox to the World Vision sponsorship form.

On a personal level though, I find it very hard to answer this question. Part of the reason may be that if I rewind five years back from today I would have never positioned myself in Vancouver, living alone, single, working for the provincial government, and generally being a recluse on Fridays, then transforming into a wild animal on the occasional Saturday.

And now, before I know it, I will be collecting another colourful magnet on this fridge of mine. See, for the last year or so I’ve been working with my dad to get my European Union citizenship as my brother and I are first generation Canadian on his side. Paperwork has been mailed back and forth over the time I’ve been here in Vancouver and finally I have entered the final stages of the process. With a few glitches along the way and a lot of time spent by my dad at the Czech Embassy in Ottawa, the process is basically ironed out. I’m so close to having dual citizenship I can almost taste it. All that’s left is a Czech passport photo this September when I’m home for my brother’s wedding.

It’s been lengthy because I can only work with  the Czech Embassy in Ottawa because in Vancouver we just have a secondary consulate office and this is not effective from a legal perspective – they don’t have citizenship authorisation. I’ll have to make it back to Ottawa one more time after my passport arrives to sign it in the presence of a representative.

This is a big thing for me in a lot of ways because it is bridging me to an area of the world where both my parents’ lineage comes from. It’s nice that both Italy and the Czech Republic are part of the European Union now because the opportunity will be available to me to live and work anywhere in the EU indefinitely; for I will be a citizen!

So back to where I will be in five years from now…

I’ll be in my “late” thirties… maybe I will have moved onto a new life again. As a single girl, I have dreams of traveling Europe by train. One of the most beautiful train rides I’ve been on (and I haven’t been on many) was from Prague to Olomouc in the Czech Republic. We were mid-destination by dusk at a time when the rolling hills glowed the lushest green underneath a sky the colour of steel, sliced by the rays of a deep orange sun. The Euro trains are just like in the movies with ledges and wooden compartments and wide open windows.

I don’t think I’ll stop until I’m fulfilled, and if this means I don’t stop until I take my last breath then that’s the way it’ll go. I say this now, on my lunch hour with a hungry stomach… but sometimes it feels as undeniable as my hankering for Christian Bale’s body in American Psycho.

There is more out there for me. Whether I’m alone, or with a best friend, or a lover, or a purse dog – I’ve got to fit in as much as I can into this life. It just makes sense to me, right now anyway.

I’ve also got a dustbunny behind my bathroom door that I just noticed this morning.

I’ve gotten over the “rush” to hunker down and procreate. It’s funny though because I don’t hear a ticking anything. My reasons for wanting to h d & p would be because I look forward to having a best friend to hang out with for the rest of my life. I think I’d be a good partner, and a good mom, and in a way I can’t wait for the opportunity for that. Just like I think I’d be a good driver of the 2009 BMW M3 race car. I can’t wait for that either.

Aside from the above – I’m very happy with my two pussies. Hells, they’re happy with me. We’re like three peas in a suite in East Vancouver.
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